I Can’t Think of a Title

I am not a bridezilla.  I want to make that perfectly clear.  So far, I haven’t let wedding planning become a big deal.  I don’t care about centerpieces; I don’t care about flowers; I don’t care about chairs.  There was a little drama when I bought my wedding dress in November, but it had nothing to do with the dress itself.  (It’s a long story, but my mom freaked out that I bought a dress without her being there.  Even though she lives 1000 miles away, and had no plans to visit in the near future.  And even though just the day before, she said she’d be fine with me going ahead and getting a dress, because the dress I wanted was on sale for one day only.  And I’m not made of money, so there was no way I was getting that dress unless it was on sale.)

The only things I care about are having awesome photographers (which we do) and that the food is fantastic (which it will be) and that everyone dances their asses off (which they will, because I have a wonderful friend DJing for us.)  Oh, and that all my friends and family are there to celebrate.  That’s the most important part.  Just having everyone in the same room on such a special day, ready to throw down with us… I can’t ask for anything else.  I don’t have expectations that this will be the “happiest day of my life.”  (God, I hope it’s not, otherwise… what’s the point?)  I just want to throw a fun party, and it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be JOYFUL.

So, with that said, I am having a majorly huge wedding-related crisis that is making me want to cry and pull my hair out and yell and scream and throw a temper tantrum like a two year old.  Most likely my best friend in the universe, the person who has been my partner in crime since 11th grade, the person who is the closest I will ever come to having a sister, my maid of honor… will probably not be coming to the wedding.  She has decided to go to grad school, and she has to take the chemistry GRE before she can apply.  And guess what is the only day she can take this test before the grad school application deadline?  October 9th.  My wedding day.

I mean… what can I say?  Obviously her education is way more important than my wedding.  I can’t ask her to blow this off for me; I would never dream of it.  And I know she’s just as upset as I am.  Right now I’m trying to figure out a way for her to take the test up here (she still lives down South) on the morning of the wedding.  It’s not ideal, but at least she’s still here.  I’m not mad at her.  I’m just mad at the universe for doing this to me/us.  I originally had two maids of honor, and now I most likely have zero maids of honor.  (What happened with the other one is a long, very sad story for another time.  I am not ready to talk about it.  She’s not dead or anything horrific like that, but still… sad stuff.)

Going to grad school has been a dream of hers for a long time, and she has the means to do it, and she shouldn’t compromise that for my wedding.  But it doesn’t make me any less upset.  I think I’m allowed to be kind of devastated.  I mean, after The BFG, she’s the second most important person to me in the world.  I can’t even begin to imagine not having her at my wedding.  So… I don’t know.  There’s not much to say.  She has to do what she has to do, and as always, I will support her no matter what, because she’s my BFF and I love her, and I want her to follow her dreams.  But make no mistake, I am completely and utterly devastated.  And I know that sounds ridiculously dramatic, but oh well.

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The Life List: #18 – Become Healthier & More Fit

I was thinking about this goal on my Life List.  It’s so vague.  What qualifies as becoming healthier and fitter?  Losing weight, maybe, eating right, exercising.  All the obvious things.  But I pretty much do those already.  The BFG and I love to cook, and we cook very healthy meals (aside from the occasional summertime favorite of cheeseburgers on the grill and tater tots – mmmmm).  I don’t work out everyday, but I do MOVE everyday; and if I don’t fit in workouts, I will do things like walking to my destination instead of taking the subway.  And although I’d like to drop a couple pounds before the wedding… I’m actually pretty happy with my weight and at a healthy weight for my height.

So I think I need to create goals within this goal in order to say it’s accomplished.  Although I think this is something I have to maintain my whole life, I want to figure out a way to say – hey, look, I did it.  So here is what I feel like I need to do in order to cross this one off.

  1. Ok.  This is hard to admit.  (Yay for anonymity!)  I am/was a smoker.  I say am/was because I haven’t smoked in fourteen days.  But this is the hard part.  I’ve quit before, but it’s the third week where it starts to get tough, and I usually cave.  So – obviously – step one of this whole health thing is to QUIT SMOKING FOR GOOD!  If I can make it two months, I think I will have done it.  I’ve never made it longer than three weeks.  So wish me luck.  If I can get through the next seven days or so, I think I’ll be home free.
  2. I am very happy with my legs.  Living in New York does wonders for your legs and ass, because you walk everywhere.  Even if you take the subway, that’s at least two (usually more) sets of stairs you’re climbing.  But I hate my arms.  They’re not ginormous, but I feel very self-conscious about them.  So I want to tone the crap out of my arms.  I’m not saying I need Michelle Obama arms – although that would be great – but I do want some visible definition.
  3. I want to be able to run a mile without stopping.  (Which is also another Life List goal – #51.)
  4. Get into the habit of taking my vitamins EVERY DAY.  I am pretty sporadic about taking my vitamins, so I want to make it a habit.
  5. Eat breakfast everyday.  Again, also something I’m pretty bad at.  Partly – I just don’t like breakfast food.  But also eating as soon as I get up makes me feel icky.  But breakfast gets your metabolism going, and that’s an important part of being an overall healthy person, so it’s a habit I need to get into.

These are things I want to accomplish and MAINTAIN, and then I’ll consider myself a “healthier/fit” person, and will cross this one off.  (But I will say, if I get back into a bad pattern one day down the road, this one could become uncrossed, and I’ll have to start work again to cross it off once more.)

What makes you feel healthy?

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Five Things

I’m in an especially good mood today, for whatever reason.  The sun is shining and it’s going to be in the 80’s this weekend.  All is right with the world.  I think the surly posts outnumber the happy posts on here, so you’re probably confused by this onset of cheerfulness; but I am actually a pretty positive person.  I guess I just feel compelled to write more when I’m being a giant grump.

Here are five things that are making me jump for joy this morning:

  1. We’re going to a Yankees game tomorrow night, and we have amazing seats thanks to a generous friend.
  2. I made a huge sale yesterday to one of my clients and have decided to buy myself a new camera to celebrate.
  3. I just planned a trip to visit my BFF – henceforth known as The Scientist – in June.  I can’t wait to see her!
  4. One of my favorite people ever is coming to visit this weekend, and we are spending Saturday together. I haven’t seen her since she moved about eight months ago.
  5. Did I mention it’s going to be 80 degrees this weekend?  Yeah.

Hope your day is just as wonderful.

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The Life List: #11 – Make Homemade Marshmallows

I keep forgetting to post this, but last week I crossed another task off the Life List when I made homemade marshmallows!  It was actually a lot easier than I thought.  I was expecting some difficulty, but it was actually pretty simple.  I used this recipe from one of my favorite food blogs, Smitten Kitchen, and they turned out wonderfully.  I don’t have a kitchen thermometer, so I kind of just estimated when I was boiling the sugar, which was risky, but it turned out fine.

The only thing I would say is that definitely don’t skimp on the powdered sugar.  I don’t think I put enough powdered sugar in the pan, so it look a little prying to get them out when they were done.  But I eventually did, and with minimal damage.  I don’t think you could overdo the powdered sugar, so be generous.

The BFG loved them, and we’ve been putting them in cocoa and eating them with ice cream.  They’re not too sweet, which is nice.

What’s next?  Hopefully I’ll be taking a ride on the Staten Island ferry at some point this week!!

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Hurrah! – Updates

My hair is a nice normal color once again!  I mean, it’s not perfect, but it’s fine for now and my engagement photos won’t look ridiculous.  I will never attempt to lighten my own hair again.  Ever.  I really learned my lesson this time.  No, really.

Also – I forgot to mention – the doorman strike didn’t happen, so that was wonderful.

BUT I did already renege on the whole no shopping for three months thing.  I felt terrible, but I found the perfect dress for our rehearsal dinner and it was ON SALE.  So oh well.  I’m thinking the no shopping thing might be something I have to do after the wedding.  I don’t know if it’s honestly possible right this second.

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I Just Need to Get This Out

I started to write a different post.  And then I deleted it.  I have a lot on my mind this morning.  Family stuff.  I was going to delve into some things from my childhood, but… maybe not right now.

Instead I’m going to talk about a related topic… living one’s life out loud on the internet.  Specifically Facebook.  And some of the privacy issues related to that.  And I realize this topic could possibly make me sound like a GIANT hypocrite, but… oh well.  So be it.

I’m on Facebook.  You’re probably on Facebook.  My mother, father, and grandfather are on Facebook.  And everyone’s putting it all out there… sharing everything.  And it kind of makes me crazy.  I think that we – as a society – have really started oversharing.  And I think it’s bad.  Especially if you’re a parent.  Because eventually your children’s stories are no longer yours to tell.  You have to draw a line.  But a lot of people don’t.  Especially my mom.

When I was in high school, my mom began writing about parenting in a very public forum.  I actually am not sure how this all came about, but that’s neither here nor there.  We didn’t live in a very big town, and I was occasionally approached by other kids who knew about my mom’s writings.  They didn’t make fun of me, but they did know intimate details of my life, and as a very very reserved, shy, awkward teenager… this made me extremely uncomfortable.  And honestly, when my mom didn’t have a lot of things to write about… she created conflict… she stretched the truth.  She talked about my life and my sibling’s life in detail… what was going on at home; our struggles; my boyfriend… and I don’t think these things were hers to talk about or share.

Even though she has long since abandoned these writings… sometimes I still think about them, and I realize I have so much bitterness and resentment still stored up inside of me. Even though this was over ten years ago.  I haven’t been able to let it go, and I HATE that.  It’s pathetic.  Move on, already!  But I think I can’t let it go, because I’ve never been able to tell her how inappropriate I think that it was.  And how I will never do that to my own children.  (If I have children.)

I want so badly to have this conversation with her, where I just say, “Y’know… I don’t think it’s fair that you put our lives out there in such a public forum during the most vulnerable time in my life.  And it’s been bothering me for years.  I should have told you then, but I didn’t know how to articulate that.  So I just want to tell you now, before the resentment ruins our relationship.”  And then I want her to say, “I know, looking back, I should have been more anonymous… not used anyone’s real names.  I’m sorry.”  And then two flying ponies would appear and we’d ride them over a rainbow on our way to get ice cream.

But it’s not that simple.  Because my mom may not be writing about our lives in a very public forum – but she is still living her life very much out loud and sometimes we get drawn into it.  My mom can’t keep secrets.  I don’t even know that she believes in secrets.  Everything is OUT THERE… on Facebook.  From the mundane, “In the garden, planting flowers,” to personal, passive aggressive jabs at me or my sibling when we have a disagreement with her.  So if you tell her something… be prepared for it to show up on Facebook, or for a friend of hers to contact you and tell you they heard about such and such.

Recently The BFG was diagnosed with a somewhat serious illness.  It’s not life threatening, but it is incurable, and it may – in the future – be debilitating in some ways.  Naturally, The BFG and I very much wanted to keep this part of our lives private.  We don’t want people feeling bad for him, because his medicine is awesome and his doctor is awesome, and he feels perfectly fine.  We don’t need pity.  And we don’t want people to look at him differently.  We told our immediate families, gave strict instructions to keep it private, and moved on with our lives.  This illness is only going to be a speed bump, we’ve decided.

Well, not long after, while everything was still pretty new and raw in relation to his illness, I met up with my mom and a close friend of hers.  The first topic to come up in conversation?  The BFG’s illness.  The friend brought it up, and as I looked at my mom dumbfounded she said, “Oh yeah, I told her all about it.”  Not apologetic.  Just… “Yes, that secret you asked me to keep… I’m actually telling everyone.”  The friend had a lot to say on the topic, but even though some of it was positive… I didn’t care.  I was so FUCKING tired of talking about it, because that’s all we’d been doing for months.  And I needed a break.  But I should have known better.  This wasn’t hers to tell, but she assumed that it was… she always assumes.

I realize how this sounds… writing about privacy on my PUBLIC blog.  I know.  But I’m not naming names… I’m not posting pictures… I’m trying to remain anonymous as possible.  And really that’s all I wanted from my mother back when she was writing about our lives, publicly.  I just didn’t want my name out there.  I mean, I didn’t want her telling MY stories either, but if I didn’t have a choice, at least she could have used different names.  Or something.  I don’t know.

Sometimes old resentments rear their ugly head, and I hate it, but I can’t help it.  (Yes, I have considered therapy, and as soon as I can find an awesome therapist that accepts my insurance, I am all over it.)  And for the most part, I have stopped worrying about what my mother puts out there, and am careful not to give her any information that I don’t want everyone in the world to know.  Because of the way she lives her life, I have learned to live my life in a very different, extremely private way.  My status updates are small and meaningless… what I’m cooking for dinner, or updates on my business.  Impersonal things.  Privacy is one of the most important things in the world to me.

I love my mother.  I don’t think she’s a bad person, I think we’re just really really different.  And I think we have different values and beliefs.  My mom needs constant attention, and she gets it in whatever way she can, whether that is wearing her politics on her sleeve and inviting debate or hijacking another person’s stories as her own.  I don’t understand it, but I realize that after fifty-some years, she’s not going to change.  So I can only do so much, and strive to protect my own privacy… and The BFG’s.

I just needed to get some of this out.  It’s part of the reason I started this blog.

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I Am a Giant Idiot

I did something stupid.  I mean… beyond stupid.  I do a lot of stupid things, but this is probably the most stupid thing I’ve done in years.  (Maybe.  But I don’t feel like reminiscing, and trying to remember the last time I did something stupid.)  Ok… here it is:  I tried to dye my dark brown hair blonde.  By myself.  At home.  Yeah.

Here’s the thing… back before I moved to New York, I worked in a salon for about five years.  I wasn’t a stylist; I was a bookkeeper/office manager, but I did pick up a few things along the way.  I learned how to cut hair pretty well, actually.  I cut my own hair all the time, and The BFG’s, and I’ve never messed it up.  And I understand the principles of dying/highlighting hair, and have done my own since I moved to New York.  But I’ve never attempted to bleach and tone my hair all over.  A few highlights are one thing – or coloring my hair brown… but bleaching is a whole different animal.  And – frankly – I got cocky and thought I could do it, no problem.  This was a mistake.

I’ve only tried to do this one other time.  When I was in 11th grade.  I dyed my hair dark red, and about six months later, I decided I wanted to be a blonde.  I did not realize at the time that going from red to white blonde is not something you should ever do at home.  Actually, it’s probably something you should never do at all.  Anyway… I messed it up horribly and ended up with chickadee yellow/orange hair.  It was beyond bad.  So bad that my mom let me skip school the next day and took me to a salon to have it fixed.  I learned a valuable lesson that day.  Or so I thought.

Although I had red hair for years, I went back to a dark brown – similar to my natural color – about two years ago.  And I’m pretty sure whatever underlying red there was has since been cut out.  So I wasn’t really concerned about any red that might be in my hair.  And I have been blonde before.  When The BFG and I started dating I had white blonde hair.  So I knew my hair could get to that color.  I figured I’d have to bleach it once or twice and then tone it, and I’d be good to go.

WRONG.

I guess I have a naturally red pigment in my hair somewhere.  Because even once I toned it, it was still pretty yellowish.  Not even remotely as bad as when I attempted this in high school, but still… not great.  And unnatural.  I think if I bleached it once more I could get there, but I’m afraid of turning my hair to mush at this point.  I’m getting married in five and a half months, and I’d like to have long hair for the wedding.  I know one more bleaching would probably do enough damage that I’d have to cut it pretty short.

So I thought about it; tried to think of a way to salvage it; called a hair stylist friend who immediately admonished me and advised I seek professional help immediately; and ultimately decided that blonde was not the way to go at this juncture.  I decided to go red again.  I realize that by going red again, I definitely won’t be able to go blonde in the next few years, probably, but that’s fine.  I just wanted my hair to be a normal, human color.

Well… here’s where things get even more ridiculous.  I went out for red dye at 9pm last night… I don’t know what my urgency was.  I was tired, and not really thinking, and just wanted normal hair again; bought the dye, came home, and applied it.  But I forgot something.  You can’t just bleach your hair, decide you don’t like it, and then cover it up again.  Bleached hair is very porous, so you need to fill it first, and then color it.  Obviously, I didn’t fill it in my tired state.

So now my hair is… dark pinkish reddish.  It’s worse than when it was just yellow.  Way worse.  I would have loved this color when I was twenty.  I was always doing crazy things to my hair back then, I would have absolutely killed for it to be this color.  But not now.  I am not nearly cool enough or punk rock enough (or punk rock at all) to pull this off.  So I’m giving my hair a rest for a few days (oh, and not leaving the house for a few days) and then putting brown on top of the red.  I’m thinking the red will be an okay filler.  We’ll see.  If that doesn’t work… I’ll go to a salon and have it fixed.  But I’m really embarrassed and would like to avoid that if I can.

Here’s the kicker, though.  Here’s what makes this so bad, and here’s why I want to fix this so urgently.  The BFG and I are having our engagement pictures taken next weekend.  Yes.  Oh yes.  I AM SUCH A MORON!!  I guess I wasn’t thinking.

Sometimes I am very impulsive, and Friday I just decided I wanted to be blonde again and set out to make it happen.  I really should have slept on it… talked to some friends about it… but no.  When I decide to do something or that I want something… I go out and get it/do it.  Sometimes it’s good… like when I decided to start my own business.  I went out and made it happen, and my little business has become quite successful.  But other times… it’s a really bad thing.  Like right now.  Or when I’m shopping.

I’ll let you know how it goes… whether I fix it or all my hair falls out.  Could go either way at this point.  I might be wearing a wig for our photos.  But let’s hope not.

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